As a parent your main duty is to guide and support your child, building resilience, strength of character, empathy and love. We do this by helping the child create a meaningful identity, find his or her own way in the world and have strong boundaries. It is in the establishment and protection of our boundaries that we incorporate the deeper meaning of the word ‘no’.

You, as a parent, make decisions for your child and stick to them. No means no! You create the rules of the house based on the values you hold most dear, and use your ‘no’ to enforce them.

We also express ourselves to our children through our actions, modelling to them what we find acceptable and offering them a path to follow. For example, vegetarian parents are modelling a lifestyle without animal products, without ever saying a word about animal rights or world politics.

A family that exercises by doing sports, playing outdoors, cycling, running etc will be modelling a fit and healthy lifestyle – that is ‘who they are’. As a result, they are unlikely to be offered a cigarette – they don’t smoke – or to be invited to go binge drinking – they choose not to drink to excess. Others know the family and the individuals in it by their actions and treat them accordingly.

How do you deal with demands and tantrums?
Thus, if we help our child to goals and they accomplish them, the child feels confident and strong when faced with challenges. If we offer our child descriptive praise upon their successful completion of a task, they learn to hold themselves in high esteem.

These children are unlikely to become the victims of bullying – or if they do – they will know how to handle the situation without getting overwhelmed. They like themselves and expect to be liked. Children who are constantly growing and learning in a healthy way see the world as a joyful place and do not live in constant fear and limitation.

This is the beauty of ‘no’. Far from being restrictive and punitive, used well, it actually builds strength, confidence, self-awareness and personal power. Consider this the next time you are out with your child. How do you choose to deal with demands, tantrums and moodiness? What expectations are you placing on your children? Are you giving them the opportunity to grow in strength and character by expecting them to take personal responsibility, or are you simply saying ‘yes’ to anything just to keep them quiet? If so, how does that feel?

A ‘yes’ parent often feels over-whelmed, dissatisfied and out of control, whereas a loving ‘no’ can create confidence and self-esteem in both the parents and the child.

Of course, the best situations occur when saying ‘no’ is unnecessary – where consistent modelling and expectation of acceptable behaviours, supported by descriptive praise, mean the demands and tantrums never happen, and both parties do not have to enter into conflict. And that, my friends, is the secret to a happy family.