This month I want talk about estrangement and how it feels when you hear of the passing of someone you never really knew, but always loved.

Recently, I had the heartbreaking news that my brother Steve passed away from lung cancer aged only 67. I had a strange relationship with Steve, as he was raised by his mum along with brother Mike after she split from my dad, before I was born.

We never lived together and I met him only once as a child when our grandmother died. I was about six years old. I spent years wondering what he was like; would I even know him if I passed him in the street? I felt his absence deeply.

I know I am not alone in this phenomenon and want to acknowledge any of my readers who have lived this story.

I next saw Steve when he attended my wedding in 1991. Mike had invited him along and it was a shock to see him sitting in the pew with my family. After the ceremony he met me outside the church with a cool “hi Sis!” I threw my arms around him, crying, shocking the poor bloke who had no idea how much those words meant to me.

One more brief meeting, two weeks later at a birthday party I can’t recall, and I’ve not seen him since. Estrangement is the norm in my family.

Today I am heartbroken. In part for the loss of a brother I never knew, but also for the habitual estrangement that typifies my family. Something I had no control over as a child and which seemed insurmountable in adulthood. I never managed to bridge the gap and instead it only intensified with me being estranged from both my parents and another brother.

When we are raised to be distant from family, we hold no expectations of things ever being different, yet we still feel the loss. I wanted to use this month’s column to say “I see you”, and encourage you to reach out, no matter how awkward it may feel, if you want to make contact with family members.

The possibility of new connection and a chance to fill in the gaps

Yes fear of rejection is present, but within this outreach lays the possibility of new connection, a shared history, a chance to fill in the gaps created by others.

Of course, you may choose to stay estranged for good reason and that is great too; but please, do what you need to do to feel good, because your feelings matter and only you can change your story.

I believe that families are some of the most difficult things we have to navigate in life but also the most treasured of blessings when things work out. So I urge you, chase your blessings, protect your boundaries and take care of one another.

If you’re wondering where to start on your journey to finding an estranged family member, there are many charities out there that can put you on the right track, such as the Salvation Army. While it has its flaws, social media is also a great resource for reaching a wide audience, especially in other parts of the country or, indeed, the world. People travel and you never know where they’ll end up.

If you make the decision to trace and reconnect with someone from your past, I’m sending you my best wishes and hope everything works out how you want it to.