I write this month’s column with a heavy heart having lost an elderly neighbour who leaves many children and grandchildren in the wake of his passing, but also more recently a friend who lost her battle with Breast Cancer and leaves her 8-year-old son and 3 year old daughter as well as husband, parents and relatives, of course.

So I am prompted to talk about how we handle loss and grief with small children and what those around them, who are also grieving, can do to support them.

When talking about death, use simple, clear words
Tell the truth and give a child time to sit with the new information rather than bombard them with details. Be prepared to answer very difficult questions as well as you are able, but remember “I don’t know” is a perfectly good answer if it is true.

Listen and comfort
When they do ask questions be honest and gentle, offering a sense of understanding as to how they feel and how confused they may be. Encourage them to lead the conversation rather than pushing them to move forward before they are ready – which is so easy for us to do.

Put emotions into words
Support small children to name their emotions, possibly using drawing or art to express their fear, anger or sadness. Teddy and Dolly may become vital as ways to communicate with the withdrawn child.

Tell your child what to expect
Gently explain what circumstances will change – living arrangements, care-giving duties, even what a funeral is and how it will be on the day. Take small steps and offer small bits of information as they need it. This step is vital in a child feeling in control of their world. Now is not a time for surprises and snap decisions made without their knowledge.

Help your child remember the person
Collecting photographs and memorabilia and talking about their loved one’s hobbies or interests is a lovely way to keep memories alive. Remember, smell, taste, touch and music all hold strong memories. A memory jar is a lovely way to jot things down and keep them safe for the future.

Respond to emotions with comfort and reassurance
Soft voices, hugs, warm drinks and good food; watching TV together as well as walks in nature all offer support and soothing to all who are grieving. Reading books around the subject or even writing a story about the loved one can be a great way to allow everyone a voice at a very difficult time.

Give your child time to heal from the loss
There is no rush and children will often forget for the longest time before remembering and grieving once again. Let them know it is ok to be happy when they feel happy and sad when they feel sad. Especially when losing someone after illness, no matter how prepared they might have been, they will process the event only as they are able to do.

And please, remember, be gentle with you too. Families are the strangest of creatures and no two are the same. Don’t expect yourself to be anything other than that which you are, which is brilliant, by the way.