How does your family deal with big events? I’m talking weddings, anniversaries, extended family gatherings, etc. Are you a party animal? Do you love surprises and chaos? Or do you prefer a low key life, with plenty of notice of impending events – so that you can plan your polite refusal and stay home to read a book?

Living in a family of any age range means shifting from ‘Doing what I want’ into ‘Doing it for others’, and before you know it, all your own needs and values have gone out of the window. This can heavily impact family life.

How can you keep everyone happy?

What’s more, if you have one extrovert parent and one introvert, plus a range of kids with various needs, how on earth can you possibly keep everyone happy and still be part of your wider community? By managing expectations and keeping the lines of communication wide open – that’s how!

In our family, I am the ‘people person’: chatty, conversational and a real people pleaser. Dad on the other hand is introverted, shy, hates crowds and prefers his own company.

The Boy, 21, is a born ‘helper’ and finds pleasure in helping everyone else have a good time – ‘Lift anyone?’ The Girl is 19 and a bed monkey. Happiest in her PJs, she loves little kids and hates late night drinking!

You don’t have to do everything together

So, as you can imagine, extended family gatherings are a bit of a nightmare to coordinate. The one thing we always maintained was that everyone had a choice and we did not have to do everything together.

When they were little, I encouraged my kids to find second families. They would spend time at friends’ houses where there was more fun and craziness, then they could come home to our quieter, calmer house, and bring friends over who needed what we had to offer.

It takes some practice to push against familial expectations, but in time you find confidence and a deep sense of trust for those who allow you to be wholly yourself. In fact, nothing bonds a family more than overcoming disagreements or finding solutions to challenges together.

In later years, any one of us was free to say ‘No thank you’ to invitations – and my partner missed a lot of family events when I took the kids alone. But it was not how ‘other people would feel’ or ‘what the grandparents might say’ which motivated our choices, it was always, what do we need most to feel OK?

Have the confidence to say ‘no’

Now, four independent adults all have the confidence to say ‘no’, or indeed ‘yes’, even if no one agrees, and know we are safe, secure and most importantly, will have a good time! And after all, isn’t that what family is all about?