Have you ever put your foot in it really badly with one of your adult kids and fell into a total panic about what might happen?

As our children grow and mature, our relationships take on a whole new shape and structure. As they find their autonomy and their own voices, and begin to live lives of their own, it can become perilously difficult to navigate the new people they are becoming.

Confession time: I recently upset my daughter, aged 20, and for a short while I was mortified with fear that it could result in a long silence, separation, and a split in the family. Sadly this is my own family history and I have a great fear of it repeating with the next generation.

The misunderstanding arose because of my muddled words, poor timing, her self-consciousness and the surrounding stress levels of multiple changes occurring in her own world.

What did I do to repair the damage? Firstly, I respected her need to leave abruptly. Respecting her space was important, although scary.
Next I called her, but of course she did not pick up – who would when they are hurting and feel horrible? So I messaged her and offered a full and clear explanation of what I said, why and what was intended. And I said sorry for the hurt caused.

Don’t make excuses, belittle or shame

What I did not do was make excuses, attack, belittle, shame or otherwise try to shift my discomfort onto her. I had to take full responsibility for what I said, albeit a misunderstanding, and honour her pain, no matter how uncomfortable that was for me.

Blessedly she responded within an hour to acknowledge what I had said, to inform me of why she was hurt and to let me know we were ok. Phew! I could breathe again!

Why am I bringing this to you? Because no matter how we try, we will upset those we love from time to time – it happens. And I wanted to share my one piece of wisdom that I turn to whenever I find myself in this position: breathe, feel, allow and then respond. Do not react!

Quite simply, in the moment of panic and realisation that something has happened, I turn to my breath to calm myself, allow all my feelings to flow through me, have a cry if necessary and then, and only then, will I respond to the other person’s needs; taking full responsibility for myself and allowing them all of their feelings.

There is something uniquely powerful in approaching things in this way that can literally save families from imploding, and I truly hope you find this useful the next time things go a bit haywire in your home. Good Luck!