This is a question I was asked by a coaching client recently, and I welcomed her question.

No matter our family situation or financial circumstances, we will have moments of self-doubt. This isn’t a bad thing – it means we are good parents who love our children and realise that everything we do affects them, and it does!

No crystal balls at our disposal

But here is the rub: we have no way of knowing exactly how they will be affected. After all, we don’t have crystal balls at our disposal.

If I may share something personal; my son and daughter were raised whilst I was suffering long-term depression and their dad was physically disabled. We had no spare money and lived a ‘little life’ by anyone’s standards, but because of our reduced circumstances we were at home with them full time, and this had added benefits of its own.

Our circumstances meant my children learned empathy, patience, resilience and understanding. As they grew they stepped into their own personalities without any pressure from us, and now I am parent to a Police Officer and a Civil Servant, both on great salaries, admired by their peers and mentors alike, with glowing careers and strong foundations for their lives ahead.

They achieved these things both because of and in spite of our family struggles.
I know that both my children have learned to stay calm in a crisis, to hold space for others when they are emotional, to step in and help whenever needed because they were raised in a family which held these values highly.

Recently, their dad suffered a second stroke at the age of only 49 and my daughter (22) immediately took the lead, driving me to and from hospital, organising family communications and generally parenting us all as we navigated this very worrying time. I could not have been more proud!

Your values will shape your children

I share this to remind you that no matter how old your children are, or how much you may be struggling, it is the values you share that will shape them. The kindness you need, they will learn; the excitement you show will inspire them; and the love you share will support them.

So, to my client’s question, “How do I know if I’m doing it right?”, I say, “If you’re doing your best, you’re doing alright!”

I will add that if you ever feel that you are really slipping, please ask for help. Talk to your GP, counsellor or a good friend, and know that asking for help is also a sign of strength that will show your children the way as they grow.