To live within a family unit of different ages, with different needs, creates a need to become a caregiver, especially (but not exclusively) for women.

To commit to a partnership is to commit to caring for your partner, and should their personality, lifestyle or physical health differ from yours, you will undoubtedly shift and alter your own needs and desires to accommodate them.

This can be challenging, but at first subtle, so that over time you shift and change so imperceptibly that one day you wake up and hardly recognise yourself. And that is when the problems begin.

Similarly, when you bring children into your family – longed for and wanted, or unplanned and surprising – again, you put your true self on the backburner in order to be all that they need, willingly, gladly and happily… Until the cracks begin to show and you realise you have lost so much of who you truly are within your role as a parent.

Add caring for elderly parents into the mix, just as you thought you might be able to regain a little of your own time and autonomy, and the pressure can be overwhelming.
But why? Why does this happen to women again and again, in a way that it does not happen to men?

We are primed to care for others

Because from an early age we are primed to care for others, to put the needs of others ahead of ourselves and to sacrifice our own needs, wants and desires in order to fulfil those of everyone else around us.

But we can do things differently. And it is never too late to change the narrative.
It begins with remembering who we truly are, and if we can’t remember, by exploring things which bring us joy, unashamedly and proudly, so that we might be able to weave these joys and passions back into the fabric of our everyday lives.

Prioritise doing things that you enjoy

Next comes the choosing. By actively choosing to do things we enjoy, and prioritising our choices rather than negating them, we practise the art of caring for ourselves as well as we have cared for others.

In doing so, we release some of the pressure which may have built up over the months and years, and begin to reclaim our own power and sense of self. We begin to change the dynamic of the carer and the cared for; watching others grow in independence, resilience and patience, whilst we ourselves grow in confidence, personality and wellbeing.

It is never too late to choose you

As I said before, it is never too late to choose you, and it can start in such small and subtle ways, but you have to initiate the shift. You have to choose you and put yourself first sometimes in order for others to be able to do the same.

To my chronic people pleasers, and over-givers, I invite you, this July, to step toward yourself and experience what life might be like if you loved yourself as much as you love everyone else around you. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.